As I drive into work I listen to the newest Christmas CD my kids gave me for my birthday. I sing along and sometimes I get a little choked up. Christmas makes me sad, not in a bad way. I miss family members who have long since passed but would have made this time of year so very special if they were still here.
I think when I feel this way it's kind of like I'm making a connection from my heart directly to them on the other side. I feel the love they hold for me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are always with me protecting and guiding me. Keeping me from harm and quietly leading me on this path I am on. Christmas for me is an emotional time of year, just typing about it I feel the emotions welling within.
Every year I stress and struggle to make sure it's a great Christmas for my kids. Every year by the grace of God it happens just so. Yet I wonder sometimes how different it would be if certain individuals, both here and gone, were still part of my life. I wonder if it would make the season that much better. Is it the best it will be, as it is? It has to be. It's the memories created for my kids. The really sad part is my kids don't have the same connection to Christmas I have. They don't really understand the real meaning behind all that we do at this time of year. I have no one but myself to blame for this, well, myself and their dad.
Neither of us felt it right to impose our religious up bringing on our kids. We were both raised Catholic, and while I don't have the same negative memories of being raised that way I agreed with my husband that our children will have the opportunity to choose for themselves. What that means is that they are raised devoid of religion. They understand somewhat the preface behind most religions, they have been informed of various modalities. They know what I believe in, they know what their father believes.
They have no beliefs themselves. They have not been taught or guided properly. Because of this, they have no real concept of Christmas except that their parents get stress out, and they get gifts. I'm very sorry for them having this concept of the meaning of Christmas. I've tried to explain it, but it's like explaining how butter is made, really of no interest. Maybe when they are parents and the magic of Christmas is alive in their children will they understand that this is bigger and deeper than they could have imagined.
Until that day, I will continue to instill in them the spirit of Christmas and the importance it holds, not for the gifts but for the connections to family and a higher power. Maybe, just maybe they will feel what I feel at this time of year and really embrace the celebration it is meant to be.
With love, light and Merry Christmas,
Tammy.
